So often I get stuck in my own head. I get carried away on thoughts about life, and the things that go with it. The struggle I have is that I don’t know how to climb out of that spiral. It seems endless, and becomes daunting. I become a prisoner in my own mind.
I used to love life, and everything in it. But it has just gotten really challenging to stay positive. I have always been able to see the light at the end, so to speak. This round, however, the light almost seems dimmer than usual. Sometimes I can see it, but when I do it’s so faint. And the faintness of the light causes me to slowly lose motivation. I feel I will never get there. This, in its own, really makes the daily stuff extremely difficult. I want to be positive, but I truly don’t know how. I start questioning everything.
In a sense, I feel that having questions is a good thing. However, my motivation for questioning things I deal with in my day to day life, is not so good. I question people’s loyalty and honesty. I tend to not speak out on these things, they just stay bottled up. I don’t want to upset someone, or make them think I really feel that way. Because I don’t know if I feel that way, it’s just a question. Right? I usually don’t have a reason for the specific thing I am questioning. It is mostly a “gut instinct” that I choose to run with. The problem is, when I question these things, I am not satisfied with the results if they don’t meet my preconceived thoughts on what I think it should be. I don’t like to be wrong. So, I dive in deeper. It consumes me, and takes over all active thoughts. I begin looking for patterns, things out of place. I replay everything I can remember seeing or hearing specific to that situation. I analyze every single detail. I break it down to its smallest part and piece it back together pointing out all the things that aren’t going together. And what do I do? I hold on to these things. I hold on to them like I am stockpiling ammunition for a war. But what is my war?
These things weigh on me so heavily, and I try to pretend nothing is wrong. I try my best to smile, and act happy. But I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. I want to engage in conversation about these things. But not to just anyone. I want to address it with the person I am questioning. But how do I bring it up? How do I start a conversation, where I have been questioning everything they are doing? I don’t want them to think I have no trust in them. I don’t want to expose myself. What if they have a rational explanation for what I am questioning? Then I tarnish a relationship. For what? All because my mind goes on this ridiculous path? But these things always come out. They always come out at the worst possible times too. Usually in a fight. It’s a fight about nothing to do with the situation.
My feelings I try so hard to mask, are causing my attitude towards everything to deteriorate. I have a short fuse, and get angry about everything. I have outbursts that are unfair to the people around me. I seem irrational, but I don’t feel that I am. In this time of weakness, it starts to come out. I can finally speak about the things that are bothering me. Part of me feels like the anger is a good mask to present what is really bothering me. I don’t try to do this. It just happens.
I start feeling better. Usually the person I am addressing the matter with, seems to understand. I typically have an ability to lay my thoughts out. Mostly because I have over thought them tremendously. I start feeling a weight lifted. I almost always accept what I am told and trust that what I have been told is the truth about something. But this feeling only lasts so long. Sometimes it’s a couple of hours, and other times, a couple of days. But it almost never seems to fail, I fall back into the same trap. I replay everything, questioning. But now I have more information, the conversation had when I was feeling angry. I now have more pieces that don’t seem to add up. And the cycle continues.
I want so badly to trust the people that are important to me. But somewhere along the way, I have lost that trust. And it is proving to be a task to establish that trust again. Things that seemed so effortless in the past, now take meticulous work. I do know most of what I feel is irrational. But I am putting this down in a pretty clear state of mind. When my mind gets to churning, all rationality is lost. I dive in. I get lost. I trap myself. So, to anyone that has been a part of this cycle with me, I am working to be better. I just need to feel supported and understood. Not as an excuse for my irrational behavior, but as a catalyst to be there and to understand this is hard on me. I beat myself up over these things. I don’t need help tearing me down. I am well versed in that area.