Not All Questions Have Answers

So often I get stuck in my own head. I get carried away on thoughts about life, and the things that go with it. The struggle I have is that I don’t know how to climb out of that spiral. It seems endless, and becomes daunting. I become a prisoner in my own mind.

I used to love life, and everything in it. But it has just gotten really challenging to stay positive. I have always been able to see the light at the end, so to speak. This round, however, the light almost seems dimmer than usual. Sometimes I can see it, but when I do it’s so faint. And the faintness of the light causes me to slowly lose motivation. I feel I will never get there. This, in its own, really makes the daily stuff extremely difficult. I want to be positive, but I truly don’t know how. I start questioning everything.

In a sense, I feel that having questions is a good thing. However, my motivation for questioning things I deal with in my day to day life, is not so good. I question people’s loyalty and honesty. I tend to not speak out on these things, they just stay bottled up. I don’t want to upset someone, or make them think I really feel that way. Because I don’t know if I feel that way, it’s just a question. Right? I usually don’t have a reason for the specific thing I am questioning. It is mostly a “gut instinct” that I choose to run with. The problem is, when I question these things, I am not satisfied with the results if they don’t meet my preconceived thoughts on what I think it should be. I don’t like to be wrong. So, I dive in deeper. It consumes me, and takes over all active thoughts. I begin looking for patterns, things out of place. I replay everything I can remember seeing or hearing specific to that situation. I analyze every single detail. I break it down to its smallest part and piece it back together pointing out all the things that aren’t going together. And what do I do? I hold on to these things. I hold on to them like I am stockpiling ammunition for a war. But what is my war?  

These things weigh on me so heavily, and I try to pretend nothing is wrong. I try my best to smile, and act happy. But I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. I want to engage in conversation about these things. But not to just anyone. I want to address it with the person I am questioning. But how do I bring it up? How do I start a conversation, where I have been questioning everything they are doing? I don’t want them to think I have no trust in them. I don’t want to expose myself. What if they have a rational explanation for what I am questioning? Then I tarnish a relationship. For what? All because my mind goes on this ridiculous path? But these things always come out. They always come out at the worst possible times too. Usually in a fight. It’s a fight about nothing to do with the situation.

 My feelings I try so hard to mask, are causing my attitude towards everything to deteriorate. I have a short fuse, and get angry about everything. I have outbursts that are unfair to the people around me. I seem irrational, but I don’t feel that I am. In this time of weakness, it starts to come out. I can finally speak about the things that are bothering me. Part of me feels like the anger is a good mask to present what is really bothering me. I don’t try to do this. It just happens.

 I start feeling better. Usually the person I am addressing the matter with, seems to understand. I typically have an ability to lay my thoughts out. Mostly because I have over thought them tremendously. I start feeling a weight lifted. I almost always accept what I am told and trust that what I have been told is the truth about something. But this feeling only lasts so long. Sometimes it’s a couple of hours, and other times, a couple of days. But it almost never seems to fail, I fall back into the same trap. I replay everything, questioning. But now I have more information, the conversation had when I was feeling angry. I now have more pieces that don’t seem to add up. And the cycle continues.

 I want so badly to trust the people that are important to me. But somewhere along the way, I have lost that trust. And it is proving to be a task to establish that trust again. Things that seemed so effortless in the past, now take meticulous work. I do know most of what I feel is irrational. But I am putting this down in a pretty clear state of mind. When my mind gets to churning, all rationality is lost. I dive in. I get lost. I trap myself. So, to anyone that has been a part of this cycle with me, I am working to be better. I just need to feel supported and understood. Not as an excuse for my irrational behavior, but as a catalyst to be there and to understand this is hard on me. I beat myself up over these things. I don’t need help tearing me down. I am well versed in that area.

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2 thoughts on “Not All Questions Have Answers

  1. You are not alone. I think it shows a lot that you can put these fears and thoughts into words and understand the problem. A lot people just don’t know that they can have control over how they feel and it’s simply other peoples fault they feel that way.
    A thing that helped me a lot is a simple idea: “thoughts are not true or false”. You should categorize thoughts only as useful and hurtful. If thinking something causes you pain you can find ways to think alternative things. For example instead of thinking “I’m such a mess, surely they have an ulterior motive for staying with me” you can think “I’m going through a lot and they’re being understanding”. it doesnt matter if this is true or not, which ever narrative is useful try to adopt that one. Think what a true friend would say.
    CBT really helped me with this. You can read up on it or find a CBT practitioner if that’s an option.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      I know I am not alone. I appreciate that. And with me, there is more to the situation than what is written. I do know there are options out there, and I am in the process of managing with a professional. I will look in to your suggestion though. And again, thank you for reading and commenting.

      Like

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